An enterprising mind has recently issued an executive order renaming the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. And why not? After all, if history has taught us anything, it’s that established names are merely placeholders until someone with enough power decides otherwise.
Which is exactly the lesson journalists from the Associated Press learned when they were banned from reporting from the White House and Airforce One, for refusing to refer to the Gulf of Mexico as the Gulf of America.
But here’s the problem—which America? North, Central, or South?
The Americas, as it happens, are a rather large and diverse bunch. If we’re renaming things in the spirit of freedom and democracy, then surely everyone should have a say.
Thus, we humbly propose the following democratic solution, which ensures everyone gets a slice of the Gulf:
- To South Americans, it shall be the Gulf of South America.
- To Central Americans, the Gulf of Central America.
- And to the truth-loving, democracy-defending, freedom-respecting bastion of the modern world—North America—it will, of course, be known as the Gulf of North America.
Which means you should ban yourself if you ever dare utter Gulf of Mexico.
But let’s not stop there. If we’re in the business of rewriting geography we might as well go all in. Perhaps Canada could rebrand the Arctic Ocean as Northern Texas—for consistency, of course. Maybe the four nations of the UK could reclaim the English Channel and rename it The Moat of Britannia. And let’s not forget Florida, which might as well start referring to the Atlantic Ocean as Lake Miami.
Of course, there’s an easier solution: if a name has worked just fine for centuries, perhaps—just perhaps—there’s no need to change it. But then again, when has common sense ever stood in the way of creating a gulf in opinion?